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My Personal Experience with Stuttering and Meditation

by Ellen-Marie Silverman
from Wisconsin, USA

 Introduction I am thankful to have the opportunity to share my experiences as someone who stutters who has self-treated her particular problem rather successfully. Organizing my story and then sharing it has brought me more deeply in touch with who I am and, therefore, more capable of helping others. My story, as is anyone's, is both unique and recognizable. My experiences added to others attest to the positive results firm motivation and "personal locus of control," i.e., personal responsibility, can bring. This we all know but need reminding from time to time.

My Stuttering Problem

In October of 2003, I will be 61 years old. On that day, I will have had a stuttering problem for 58 years! But, for 22 of those years, I didn't realize I did! I first recognized I had a problem when I was 36. And, ironically, I am a speech therapist who researched, wrote about, and provided therapy and counseling to help others deal with stuttering since I was 21. This is, perhaps, the truly unique aspect of my story.

For 33 years, I was shy, terrified to speak one-to-one and in small and large groups unless I was teaching or providing therapy or counseling. In those settings, I prepared carefully and felt emboldened, perhaps, a bit self-righteous. My only concern was to share appropriate knowledge and experience. In other settings, I felt totally inept and terrified to talk. My years of experience speaking only when I had to, and, then, mostly in classrooms left me without speech skills needed for effective discussion, argumentation, and every day conversation. By 27, having the responsibilities of developing a career, maintaining a marriage, and parenting my daughter, I was unwilling to take time to learn skills I lacked. I resigned myself to remaining in the tight little circle in which I felt comfortable and avoided other arenas. And I was afraid to admit I wasn't perfect and needed help of such a basic sort. But I had no idea underneath it all was an unresolved stuttering problem!

In my 36th year, my world changed radically. I was awarded academic tenure. No longer concentrating on achieving tenure, I suddenly had a clearer vision of my whole life. Who I was. Where I was. What I needed to do to express myself. And, importantly, I recognized I had the time and resources to develop my individuality. My over-whelming desire was to paint, a core impulse repressed until then. I soon became a Sunday painter and have not been the same since. I began to see more deeply, as is necessary to draw and paint convincingly. I began developing more synergistic impressions of life than the behavioristic outlook, that had been my exclusive window on the world since beginning graduate studies, allowed. In short, I was discovering my right-brain and accessing it more and more. Much later, in fact in my 60th year, I discovered my right hemisphere probably is dominant, when I serendipitously noticed I easily signed American Sign Language with my left hand and struggled signing with my right! Previously I thought I was ambidextrous, right hand dominant.

I began to have opinions about life and a desire to talk about them. And, in a short while, I suddenly began stuttering severely! Part-word repetitions of 5 or more units on the first or first several words launched utterances that fizzled out from my bewilderment, embarrassment, and physical discomfort with my inexplicable, loud, conspicuous stuttering. I would experience this for days at a time and then revert to limited speech to stop stuttering. I was frightened.

I continue to stutter as I did then, particularly when I am unable to verbalize thought forms exciting to me as quickly as I would like. But I have learned to make bodily adjustments in breathing, phonating, and articulating, and to modify my self-perception so that these episodes are mildly irritating and even instructive rather than catastrophic. During a chance encounter with an aunt and uncle I had not seen for 12 years, I learned, that although I spoke early and well, I had had a "bad" stuttering problem when I was three, just months before my mother died. They were no more specific than that. Although, I wasn't able to consciously recall the sensation of stuttering, I was able to remember some feelings and thoughts immediately following my mother's shocking death at 36. Intense psychic body aches from that abrupt, wrenching separation. Feeling alone and terrified. Then I recalled a key thought: I would have to take care of myself. When my mother died, I had yet to learn to ask for what I wanted. She anticipated my every need. That seems strangely over-protective for an elementary school teacher. Perhaps, she was trying to shield me from the discomfort and anxiety of stuttering I was showing at the time. Taking care of myself meant I would have to ask for what I wanted. I panicked. I didn't know how. I entered a state of shock, which I have only recently exited.

As I relived thoughts and feelings immediately following my mother's death, I remembered her death. Late, her first night home after giving birth to my sister, she began vomiting. The sounds terrified me. I wanted them to stop. More than that; I wanted her to be OK. I ran into my parents' bedroom, and shouted at my mother, "Shut up! Shut up!" I still can remember the look on her face when she realized how frightened I was and knowing she was incapable of comforting me. She died that night. She had had a stroke. Later on, thinking as a child thinks, I believed my words killed her.

At 38, I initiated divorce proceedings from my husband and colleague of 13 years. Some of you know him. He has had a severe stuttering problem for more than 50 years. Yet, he is quite at ease talking with others and even was a college debate champion. Ironically, I had depended on him to speak for me at work and in the world at large, which he was more than happy to do, to my detriment in many ways. For the first time, I was on my own, relating to colleagues, service personnel, my daughter's teachers, and so forth. I was terrified but didn't shirk what I thought were my responsibilities. I did not anticipate stuttering, nor attend to it when it materialized. I was intent solely on meeting my responsibilities. Several years after our divorce, I left academia , the kindest and most welcome home I had known, to re-experience the satisfaction of being a full-time therapist.

Two years before, while studying to be a transactional analysis therapist, I recognized my life-long speech anxiety stemmed, in part, from believing I had nothing of value to say. My immediate family heaped verbal abuse on me daily to which I was forbidden to respond without risk of severe physical abuse. When I answered questions about friends or activities or offered information or opinions, what I said was ridiculed. By first grade, I was selectively mute. I rarely spoke at home or in class. I was a good student and caused no trouble. By high school, other students called me "the quiet one."

No one, including me, referred to me as a stutterer. Nevertheless, my subconscious memory of early childhood stuttering was contributing to personal choices and shaping my self-concept. When I encountered people labeled stutterers, including my ex-husband, I wanted to provide relief for them. But I did not make the connection between their difficulty speaking and a probable root cause of my own speech anxiety.

No one referred me for speech therapy although I lived in a large metropolitan area. Ironically, when I entered college, I was excited to major in speech correction, as speech therapy was then called. I looked forward to sparing children difficulty communicating with others, without being consciously aware that, by doing so, I might be helping myself.

By graduation, I had discovered the joy of writing, through which I could express my thoughts and feelings without anxiety. Writing continues to be my preferred mode of interpersonal communication. But, having built a successful business during the last seven and one-half years, I have learned effective business communication skills and have lost all limiting apprehensions about negotiations and discussions.

 Meditation Practices and Benefits

Studying and applying Transactional Analysis first convinced me I could learn to communicate successfully, although learning to ask for what I wanted was so difficult at first that I almost quit half-way into my first class. Blushing, sweating, looking at the floor but not seeing it, hearing my heart thumping while stating what I wanted from training group members was excruciating. I did not stutter, but I was extremely hesitant. Unlike other communication situations, this one required me to associate thoughts and feelings with my behavior and work them out. My usual complaining and self-pity were unacceptable. Despite the intense anxiety this process provoked, I knew this training was right for me. I continued, practiced, learned, changed, and changed some more. I learned rules for communicating clearly and concisely. It helped that our trainer had been born in Australia and was educated in England and valued precise speech! And she tolerated no excuses and did not credit anyone with trying, only with changing. A very good environment for me!

We were a diverse group consisting of nurses, social workers, clergy, classroom teachers, counselors, and therapists. Through my contact with individual members, I learned of meditation. Initially, I learned the value of visualization. I was convinced as I witnessed thoughts relax my body and induce rhythmic, deep breathing that the mind affects the body. At this point, I was not attending to my stuttering in a direct manner. My attention was more encompassing. I was addressing my need to become a competent communicator and to use my mind to positively influence my body.

Experience with visualization led to the practice of transcendental meditation, a meditation technique popular in the early 1970's, although considered somewhat exotic. I did not find sufficient benefit for the time required and practiced only sporadically.

Not until the mid-1980's when I immersed myself in the study of spirituality and religion and established a practice of daily prayer, did I re-visit meditation as a disciplined personal practice. A friend offered me a primer on Buddhism. I read the slim volume, impressed by the assertion that life is difficult but that we can free ourselves from suffering by actions. But I was more than a little frightened by a practice arising from an Eastern culture. I somehow over-looked the Eastern genesis of Judaism and Christianity! Because I desired to not suffer and be happy, I soon began daily study and practice of Theravadan and Tibetan Buddhist meditation techniques and yoga. I continue to do so.

Not then, nor since, have I directly addressed my stuttering. But it is no longer a problem. Why? Daily study and meditation practices help me calm and strengthen my mind and modify my outlook and behavior. I have accumulated the following benefits, all of which are known to reduce the frequency and severity of stuttering:

1.     Reduced personal and existential anxiety.

2.     Increased body awareness.

3.     Heightened mental clarity.

4.     Acceptance of personal responsibility.

5.     Increased personal acceptance.

I have learned that I can present myself competently through speech and other ways and that, should I stutter, I am no more or less of a person than when I do not. I do not like the feel of stuttering. I am frightened by losing control of my body. But I am learning to appreciate the opportunity stuttering provides to release my need for complete control. I value sensitive listening and caring, compassionate, truthful speech. I place a premium on my personal perceptions. I take full responsibility for solving my problems. I believe I am no better nor no worse than anyone else.

I still talk little but no longer because I'm afraid. I prefer to think and do rather than talk. I embrace the biblical admonition to avoid idle speech and the Buddhist practice of "right speech."

 Conclusion

What I have learned is that "locus of control" is key. When we accept we can either consciously control ourselves or be controlled by subconscious influences, we can constructively live our lives, despite any difficult childhood experiences we may have had

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Manish rathore( B.Tech)

I am manish rathore from chitrakoot and studing in B.Tech from MGCGVV chitrakoot MP .I was suffering from lisping ( tutlana) .We was do more mistake in alphabet k,kh,g,gh R L

I was saw a advertisement of suraj stammering care centre Maihar and we have  decide to join to centre . I came and join only 10day and success  from lisping  disorder . but after some month come back my lisping due to my overconfident and loose  my praactice . I  have come again to centre only one day and start practice  I am full fit   

Bollywood actor Hrithik Roshan

Bollywood actor Hrithik Roshan has revealed that since he was 6-years-old he suffered from the stammering problem. Recently, on the Farah Khan’s celebrity chat show, ’Tere Mere Beech Mein’ the actor revealed that everyone used to make fun of him.

Hrithik Roshan told to Farah khan that he used to struggle to speak normally without stammering.

He said, “Everything seems normal till you start talking. The minute you start talking, you get stuck and you don’t know why? Right from your toes to the ends of your hair strands, you are in complete shock. Your heart palpitates, you don’t understand and you are aware of people looking at you. You can compare it to hell.”

Talking more about his stammering problem, the actor said, “Of course. Unfortunately, it’s one of those handicaps that is made fun of. Especially kids, you can’t blame them but they end up being mean because it looks funny! So the childhood of a person suffering from a problem like this is pure hell.”

The actor added, “From the time you wake up in the morning to night you almost dread some days...to wake up! Because you have to go through an entire day when you have to use your speech and you have to go through all those little moments of hell.”

Bollywood heartthrob said that he used to be scared of oral test. “For oral tests at school, I used to bunk school, I used to fall sick, I used to break my hand, I used to get a sprain.” He also speaks of getting tremendous family support but admits to it making it tougher on him; “Mummy and daddy have been supportive. Yes, but sometimes love is not enough! When you love someone you want that person to be okay and it comes out as anger. It’s like “Come on, you can do it, just concentrate hard,” the actor revealed.

Learning how to tell people about the twitching? Not as easy at all. Usually, it happens just by people seeing me twitch in class or something, they’ll look at me funny, and I just say, ‘Sorry. I have tourettes. I can’t control it.’ When kids know about it, they’re less likely to judge me on what I do. I tell a lot of people now, and I get less stares and weird looks because they understand.

The other day, I was sitting in English class, and two of my classmates were sitting behind me when I had a huge shoulder twitch. I heard one tell the other, “Don’t say anything. She has tourettes. She can’t control it.” Then I heard, “But it’s so freaky!” and the first boy stood up for me. “How would you like it? Leave her alone.” Just that simple gesture helped me more than that boy will ever know.

I love the Friend’s mentoring program. I have a few friends who stutter and I told them about it, and they want to sign up too. Because despite all having stutters, we have different stutters and different problems to face. Having good friends to help me through my troubles is invaluable to me and I wouldn’t trade them, even if it meant losing my stutter for

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A Poem from Ray

I met a wonderful person on YouTube who is also a stutterer. He's a charming person who also happens to be a talent poet. He shared this poignant poem with me today and I was really moved by it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Speech impediment, walking around as this world wide idiot.

Sharing, talking and flowing, oh how I can only wish.

These teeth, tounge and lips,

I would be more than happy if I all I had were a lisp.

Red light, stop. Yellow light, stop. Green light; yeah right!

Crying inside and I hurt so much, nothing in me to aid as a crutch.

I talk then I mumble and I crash then I crumble.

Stuttering not words, but these thoughts and my feelings.

These walls I'm climbing and my skin I'm peeling.

I wish I can speak, instead I am left to seek.

No answers to behold and no courage to feel bold.

What did I say? What did you hear?

Have no fears for I am used to these tears.

My pride is in me, my pride is this...

no matter how grim it gets,

I will not give up in this darkend abyss.

Dr. Kamal yadav........>>>>

I am a 26 year old  Dr. Kamal yadav a Dental Surgeon. I have joined Anti stammering Speech Therapy center from last two weeks .I have stammering problem from my child hood but this problem became serious and affect my life as I  grow .during my graduation life when I was doing BAMS. from Government Dental collage bhopal  .I faced many problems due to my stammering and I have not enjoyed my collage life .Even I was meritorial  student in my collage but I was not happy and I  always felt shy in front of girls and my professors in college. Due to my hesitation in speech I felt that I have lost many thing in my life after completion of my graduation. When I entered in the real life I faced lots of problems due to lack of  proper communication needed for a doctor. If a doctor does not communicate properly with their patients then  patients will not feel safe with him.

I have a girl friend she is very good but due to  my stammering I always feel  inferior with her and try to hide stammering to her.

Now the time has come to do some thing for my family and my friends due to this  I feel my stammering has increased then I thought about Speech Therapy and joined Speech Therapy Center and now I feel better and confident in myself. I think if I had joined speech therapy previously at a right time in child age I might not face those problems which I have faced in my life.

In Speech Therapy after meeting Mr. Singh then I felt happy and more confident and I have gained confidence from speech session  on speech therapy centre where more than 20 people come and speak in front of them that enhance more and more confidence in me. Acceptance ,relax meditation are best for management  of stammering fear



Anita.......>>>

 Stammering, the word was like a monster to me. I am a 22 yrs old girl Anita doing computer Engineering from JEC jabalpur  .I have joined suraj stammering care  centre from appoximately 4-5 weeks.I have stammering problem from the age of 7-8 but this problem became trouble for me from past 2-3 years.Initially i was not serious about this problem but when i grew up i realise that i should do something to overcome this problem.My rate of speech was very high along with blocks that makes a reason for everybody to laugh on.Now a days for any job opportunity one should be good at communication skills so i found my future in dark just because of my speech.Inspite of being good at many fields there was a limiting factor that was holding me back in my social and personal life. I was really frustated because there was nothing in my hand but my remaining qualities was disappearing, means my patience, confidence and my power to face situations in life.

Then i approached suraj stammering care centre where i met Mr. v.k  Singh who enlighten my way to erase stammering word from my dictionery. Initially i felt very shy to join but when i met people at high post suffering with same problem i felt that its the time when should i forgot all hesitations and take a step forward in life. Now i have many friends here we discuss, share problems and views. Here is the place where i fought with my fear of speaking.Exercises and techniques tought by sir help us to speak well.Saturday session where every member of this centre expess their views and thinking about selected topics on podium this decreases 80% of fear of speaking among the crowd.I love to attend my every sessions because of there comfortable homely environment.These sessions not only develop our speech skills but also increases our IQto think more deeply towards those aspects that we some what neglect in our fast lives.I have accepted my stammering life and free from stammering fear

just in few weeks i can see a good improvement in my speech that was just a dream for me.Now my speech is really clear and in control manner. This has built up confidence,a positive thinking and faith in myself. As there is no end to improvement so i am still giving my best to improve my speech with full spirit.now i believe in the line "stammeres can be good speakers"

Rajesh........>>>

I am Rajesh, I am Doing M.Tech in Mechanical Egg from IIT Roorkee.
I was having Stammering problem from my childhood, When I was only 6-7 years old. In my childhood it was impossible to understand my problem. I was used to be very shy and I used to avoid Public Speaking. With passage of time there was slight improvement in my speech but fluency was always missing and some time I was strucked on some words which always affected my confidence.
 
Finally I decided to join some Speech Therapy programme which can help me to overcome my problem.
 
Then I joined Anti stammering Speech Therapy Centre in Maihar MP. I have attended some individual as well as few Group Therapy sessions  and know about Acceptaingon Therory . Several exercises helped me a lot, especially Acceptaingon Therory helped me to Manage  my shyness.and stammering I proud my stammering life
 
Now I am more confident and can speak more fluently. One more thing I learned that Stammering is not a disease and it is a hobbit which can be overcome with Acceptaingon Therory .
I would also like to Dr v.k  SINGH Sir, for there help and support, with best wishes to you all. Thank You Sir

 Stammering thought  click here